Going Home
by jls62113
Summary: Carl acts out demonstrating signs of PTSD. Rick and Michonne may have a solution that may help involving a trip for Rick and Carl back to King County.


**Going Home**

 **Chapter I**

 **Collateral Damage**

"Have you seen Carl?" Rick asked walking into the house.

"No, why?" Michonne saw that Rick was concerned so she stood up from the bar stool at the kitchen counter and walked over to him.

"Eugene said he didn't come back to class after the break."

They both looked up the stairs.

"He could be in his room." Michonne said as they both quickly climbed the stairs and went to Carl's room.

"Carl." Rick said knocking on the door. "Carl!"

There was no answer and the door was locked. Rick was quick to put his shoulder to it and busted the door open. A quick second of looking around the destroyed room, Carl committing suicide crossed his mind. Michonne ran to the bathroom, and was relieved he wasn't in there. Rick audibly sighed in relief when his son was not in sight. The dresser drawers were pulled out and the clothes were thrown all over the floor and the mattress was tossed. Rick overlooked it earlier, but the window was wide open.

"Where could he have gone?" Michonne said getting nervous.

"Let's try the woods. I'll get Daryl."

The three of them went out the gate and walked around to the part of the wall directly behind their house. Daryl quickly picked up tracks from the wall where Carl must have dropped down and headed out to the woods.

Rick turned to Michonne and touched her arm.

"You go home and wait for him in case he doubled back. Sit on him if you have to."

"I won't have any trouble. He's going to clean up that room." She said turning and walking back toward the gate. What would drive him to tear up his room the way he did. She understood Carl having some issues considering the way they had to live before, but they talk often, and she did not see this coming.

It didn't take them long before they found him. He had a backpack and was walking away from Alexandria.

"Carl!" Rick called out to him. He stopped, but he didn't turn around.

When they caught up to him, he wouldn't look at them.

"Carl, what are you doing out here."

"I'm leaving Alexandria." He said blandly.

"Leaving? Why?"

"I don't belong there."

"How can you say that?" Rick said standing in front of his son.

Daryl got Rick's attention and Rick nodded. Daryl was never one to get involved once things got personal between other people. He went back to Alexandria.

"Carl, let's go home and talk about this. It's not safe out here."

"All I have to do is take off my eye patch, and the walkers will see me as one of them."

Rick was hurt down in his soul that his son felt that way. He instantly thought about Lori's concern for their becoming cold.

"Son," he spoke softly. "I can't stop you if you really want to go, but at least come home and let's sit down, you, me and Michonne, and talk about this. If you still feel the same way after we talk, then…" Rick rubbed at his forehead just above his eye brow and took a deep breath. "Then I'll let you go, but at least give me a chance to learn why you feel this way."

Without responding, Carl turned around and headed back toward Alexandria.

Daryl had given Michonne a heads up on what was going on with Carl, and he was on Rick's porch with Michonne, when they returned.

Carl walked ahead of Rick reminding him of the two of them on the road after the prison fell. He grew up too fast, and life had become frustrating to him because they all treated him his age. Some things he was just too young to understand, even though he had gone through grown up situations, but something had made him angry enough to run away from his family. Hopefully, they would be able to work this out.

Michonne stood by the door with her arms folded, and Carl walked past her and attempted to go right up to his room, but she stopped him.

"Not up there, in the living room. We need to talk." Michonne was upset with worry, and that Carl did not talk to them first before he took off.

From outside, Rick saw Michonne point Carl to the living room.

"You got this man?" Daryl asked.

"Yeah, I hope so."

"If you need me, I'll be right here." Daryl said sitting down on the porch.

"Thank you." Rick said nodding his head toward Daryl.

Rick walked into the house and closed the door behind him. Carl was sitting on the couch with his hat on the coffee table and his head down. Rick was speechless and furious. His worse fears were now staring him in the face. His son, who had been with him through all the hell, was a stranger to him.

Rick pointed at his own eye to Michonne to let her know why Carl ran away.

"Carl, you want to tell us what's going on?" Michonne asked quietly.

"No. It won't do any good." He said pointedly.

"Well, I want to know anyway." Rick said speaking in a low voice barely containing his anger and sadness.

"Rick." Michonne softly trying to diffuse Rick's anger.

Rick, ignoring Michonne's warning as he sometimes would, stepped over to where Carl sat.

"Tell me now Carl. I can understand your frustration; you were shot in the face, but what I don't understand is you taking off without talking to us first."

"Because you _don't_ understand my frustration Dad! You can't. Have you ever been shot in the face?"

Rick drew in a ragged breath, took a few steps back and stood with his hands at his hips.

"There's something you've been wanting to say to me for a while now. Let's have it now. You were pissed at me when we had to leave the farm and got separated from your mother, then you were pissed at me when the prison fell. Now you feel as if no one around here wants you, and somehow, I feel that you're pissed at me for that."

"I am pissed at you. Everything bad that's happened to me is your fault!" Carl said standing to his feet and yelling back at Rick.

Rick and Michonne were struck silent. Only Rick had seen Carl like this before.

"W-why would you say that?" Rick said sternly.

Carl was full of anger; willing and committed to stand up to his father.

"You killed Ron's father, and Ron tried to kill you, but he shot me instead and I wished he had killed me." Carl spoke quietly and stood where he was looking directly at Rick. "When we were at Jessie's house, when the walkers were in the streets, Ron locked me in the garage with him on purpose and tried to kill me, because of you."

Rick backed up and his anger disappeared and was replaced by an aching sadness.

"I lied to you and told you nothing happened. I knew you liked Jessie and I wanted to get along with Ron. Later on I took his gun from him, and I could have killed him."

"But you didn't." Michonne said making sure she stood between father and son.

"But I wanted to kill him so he couldn't hurt us later. Don't you get it? That's who I am. I tried being the kid you wanted Dad, I really did, but it's not in me. I can't fake it anymore." Carl's gaze stayed fixed on his father.

"Carl." Rick said, but not sure of what to say. Tears flowed down his cheeks because he had utterly failed his son.

"Ron hated us Dad. If you hadn't liked her and killed his father, he wouldn't have hated us, and he wouldn't have shot me and I wouldn't be a freak!" Carl grabbed his hat and ran upstairs.

"Carl!" Rick called after him.

Michonne touched Rick's arm. He was devastated. He felt that each word Carl spoke was like a bullet shot into his heart. His bad choices had helped to destroy his son.

Rick sat down in the easy chair by the front window. His mind was spinning in several directions. Thoughts of past events colliding into one another blinded him from everything else around, and all he could focus on were the bruised and scarred knuckles of his right hand. How far down he had come since waking up in the hospital.

Michonne stood in the middle of the floor unable to move. She was caught between going to Carl, and making sure Rick was alright. She walked over to Rick and looked at his tear stained face and crouched down in front of him. He looked at her with more pain than she had ever seen in him.

"Go to him and make sure he's okay. I won't move." He said knowing that he was also her concern.

Michonne got up and all but sprinted up the stairs. When she got to Carl's room, he was slowly putting his room back in order.

"I thought I was going to have to threaten you to get you to clean this up." The relationship Carl had with Michonne was as deep as if he were her natural child, and they were friends.

"Michonne I didn't mean to say what I said."

"Yes you did or it wouldn't have come out." Michonne was sympathetic, but wanted to find a solution to save her family. "It needed to be said and your dad knows that."

"I hurt him and I didn't want that."

"No you didn't but it happened. He needed to know how you felt.

"I love my dad Michonne."

"He knows that. What happened at school today?"

Carl stood by the window leaning against the wall.

"I still don't fit in with the other kids, but that doesn't bother me. I tried speaking to Mikey and he turned his back on me. I know he was Ron's friend, I get that, but I wanted to pull out my knife and stab him with it."

"What stopped you?" Michonne said stepping closer to him.

"I know it's wrong, but I still have these thoughts that won't go away. I have them all the time now."

Michonne tried to look past the coldness in the way Carl spoke.

"What kind of thoughts?"

"Killing, always killing. Dead people everywhere. Not walkers, people who were alive. Shane, the guy my dad held prisoner at the farm, that boy I killed at the prison. We have to kill now. I know it's wrong, but that's how it is, and I accept that."

No tears, no regret, just a cold boy with a damaged heart. Michonne was certainly put off and deeply saddened. She knew this was some form of PTSD, it had to be. This must be how it affects the young who have little to no life experience. She stopped thinking about it past that, it was too painful and frightening.

Rick sat in the armchair unable to move. His hand clamped over his mouth to prevent him from screaming. Hot tears poured from his eyes even though they were closed. He bent forward in the chair in an attempt to gain control of himself. _How do we come back from this_?

He managed to stand up and he made his way to the front door. He paused there a moment to compose himself. He opened the door and took one step out.

"Daryl." He said his voice cracking. Daryl quickly stood up and walked over to him. Rick took off his gun belt and handed it to him.

"Hold this for me please."

"Sure." Daryl took the gun belt and could feel Rick's pain from where he stood. Knowing Rick, Daryl sensed he was afraid he might use the gun out of anger. "Rick, if you want me to, I'll talk to him. I been there man. I know how he feels."

Rick looked up at Daryl with such confusion, Daryl wondered if he understood what he just said.

"Okay. Whatever it takes to help him."

Rick stepped back in the house.

"Come on in Daryl." They walked into the living room and stood by the stairs.

"Michonne's with him now." Rick sat down in the armchair again. Daryl took up his usual spot on the box seat at the front window and the two of them waited.

Michonne came down the stairs looking and feeling as if she were carrying a 50-pound weight on her shoulders. She broke into tears coming from Carl's room and went right into her old room downstairs and slammed the door.

Rick and Daryl stood. Rick turned to Daryl and then back in the direction Michonne had gone.

"Go ahead on up." Rick said walking to Michonne's room. He lightly knocked on the door and then opened it. She was sitting on the bed looking coldly out the window.

"Michonne?" Rick said walking over to where she sat.

She quickly wiped at the tears on her face.

"We can't lose him."

Rick sat down next to her and stared out the same window she did.

"Daryl's talking to him now."

"Before we went inside Terminus he told me about the thoughts he has. He says he feels like he's a monster. He embraces killing as a way of life now."

"It is." Rick said stoically. "It's not what we want for him, I know that. Who would want any of this for their child? I let him down Michonne."

"You had your hands full. There was no way to protect him from everything he's seen. We have to find a way to help him. The bottom line is that he needs you."

"Michonne I'm here."

She shook her head and kneeled down in front of him.

"You are here, but you're not here. He's always been with you, and you've been protecting him like you should, but he needs more than that. He doesn't even know who you are."

Rick wrinkled his brow, starting to understand.

"You taught him how to shoot and take down walkers. You taught him how to survive, but what about those things your father taught you? They still apply. He taught you humility and kindness. Those things are still in you, and Carl needs that. You need to spend real time with him, and now would be a good time."

He looked in her eyes, smiled sadly and nodded.

"I know you have something in mind, what is it?"

She smiled enjoying the connection they have which never ceases to amaze her.

"Take him on an extended run with you. He knows what he's doing out there. We're not desperate right now, so you can take your time. The two of you need to get to know one another."

Rick lowered his head thinking about what Michonne proposed. He looked up into her eyes and smiled.

"You really are the brains of this outfit."

Michonne breathed a sigh of relief.

Rick's eyes filled with tears again as he nodded and leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"That's a good plan."

At the top of the stairs, Daryl could see Carl moving around in his room through his open door.

"Hey." Daryl said walking in.

Carl looked up at Daryl confused, and then back down to what he was doing.

"Did my dad or Michonne send you to talk to me?"

"Nah, I volunteered. You got 'em both scared man."

"Why?"

"Because they love you. Your dad has been out there runnin' interference so the rest of us could make it. There ain't many kids alive besides you cuz' your dad is Rick Grimes. He's had to do some things he really didn't want to do to keep you safe."

"You mean when he stabbed that guy who was trying to rape me."

Daryl glared at Carl because along with Rick and Michonne, he had hoped Carl would have forgotten that.

"Yeah."

"What did he do to Tyreese?"

"He beat him up." Daryl said blandly.

"Tyreese!"

"Yeah. Your dad's tough. When he's threatened or anyone he loves, he loses it."

"Do you know why he does that?"

"I don't know for sure, but I think he's angry because of the way things are now. He's angry because he has to fight everyday just to survive, and not just the walkers. He don't like to fight. He tries to talk first. If things whatn't like they are now, your dad would be like he was when I met him. This is how he has to be now. So you shouldn't be blaming him for stuff or giving him a hard time. My dad was like the hard parts of your dad, but without the outbreak for an excuse. My dad was just mean. If you need some of your dad's time, ask him for it. Don't keep that stuff bottled up inside, cuz when it comes out, it comes out all messy, and you end up hurtin' the ones you love. Tell me what you think."

Carl sat down on the bed next to Daryl and shook his head.

"I don't know. I see what you're saying about my dad, but he never talks to me. I mean he always asks me how I'm doing, but that's about it."

"There never was no time for that. I have a feeling he will now, but if he don't, don't be afraid to tell him. Sometimes you can be so close to someone that you can't see when their hurtin', especially when they hid it inside. You've been a grown man ever since I've known you, you're a tough kid. You never was a little kid. So being a man, you need to have a code."

"A code?"

"Yeah. Rules that you live your life by. You need one for sure now that there ain't no law. For example, part of my code is that I don't hang out with drug dealers or guys that kill just for fun, and I don't steal from anybody."

Carl looked out his bedroom window and nodded his head.

"But since you're still a minor, you might want to run your code by your dad. He might be able to help you with it."

"Does my dad have a code?"

"Yeah he does. Before everything went bad, he had the law, but he's had to change it some, but basically it's the same. Your dad's a hard man, but he's a good man. I'm proud to call him my brother."

Daryl stood up to leave.

"You good?" Daryl asked.

Carl looked up and nodded.

"Anytime you need to talk, come find me."

Carl managed a smile and went back to cleaning his room.

Daryl came down the stairs and Rick stood up from the couch curious about his conversation with Carl. Michonne was in the kitchen cooking dinner.

"You staying for dinner Daryl?"

"When did you learn how to cook?"

Michonne threw a carrot at him which he caught and took a bite of.

"No thanks, Sasha and Abraham invited me."

"Thank you for talking to him." Rick said extending his hand to shake Daryl's. Daryl took Rick's gun belt from off his shoulder and handed it back to him.

"I told him to get a code to live by, and that you would help him with it. The main thing is he wants to spend some time with you."

Rick smiled and then nodded his head.

"Thank you."

"Good night y'all." Daryl said walking out the door.

Rick paced around the living room deep in thought. He had to come to terms with the fact that the events of their lives have adversely affected his son. Why wouldn't they? The things he's seen and lost, no boy his age should even have nightmares about. Rick shook his head to clear it. So much lost time. Carl grew up years in a matter of months.

Michonne handed him a rocks glass with whiskey in it.

"Drink this down, and tell Carl it's time for dinner."

"Michonne…"

"We're a family. Times like this is part of it, and you know where I stand."

Rick smiled sadly and did as she asked, and went up the stairs to Carl's room. He was just finishing his room.

"It's time for dinner." Rick said standing in the doorway.

"Okay." Carl said. "Dad, I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize son, this is not your fault. We'll figure it out together."

"Okay." Carl said following his father down the stairs.

They ate in relative silence for a while. Michonne looked at Rick and Rick cleared his throat.

"Carl, I want you to go on a run with me tomorrow."

Carl sat up straighter in the chair and looked at his father a little shocked.

"Sure, where?"

"Michonne picked out a few spots we can go check out."

"Who's going?" Carl said; so interested, it made Michonne smile which she covered up by eating.

"Just you and me, is that alright with you?"

"Yeah. Dad, I want to go to King County." Carl said.

"Why?" Rick said looking at Michonne.

"I may never get another chance to go back."

"But you know the house is gone." Rick said.

"The cemetery is still there."

"The cemetery?" Rick said trying to understand his son.

"I want to see where my grandparents are buried, and where mom would have been buried."

Rick looked away and nodded his head.

"It's going to take some planning though, and I'm going to leave that up to you."

"I can help you do that." Michonne said.

Carl actually smiled. Finally he gets to go on a run he chooses.

"Okay." Carl said.

Although he smiled too, Rick was sad wondering if Carl truly was excited about going home. He started to breathe easier despite how he felt. Maybe this is the start of a new beginning for them.

That night as Rick and Michonne lay in bed, neither one could sleep. They didn't talk because each thought the other was asleep. Michonne rolled over to look at Rick as he lay on his back, and saw he was awake and looking up at the ceiling.

"What's on your mind?" Michonne asked smoothing Rick's hair off his forehead.

"It's a long way to King County, but I understand why he wants to go. The only family he has left is me. My father died when Carl was a baby. I get the feeling he doesn't like the way he is, maybe he feels that going back there will help somehow."

Rick sat up on the side of the bed.

"I'm not sure he'll open up to me, he's been hiding his true self from us, and frankly I don't know how to deal with that, but I'm going to try. I've been thinking about what you said. You were right, I haven't been here. My mind was always filled with surviving and keeping our kids safe. I thought that was enough. If my father had only earned a living for us without actually interacting with me, I probably would have turned out like Carl is now."

Michonne sat behind Rick with her legs on either side of him and her arms around him. She kissed his back between his shoulders and then lay her head there.

He lay his arm over hers and lifted one of her hands and kissed it.

"What do you think about what Carl said about Jessie and Ron?"

"I'm not sure I should answer that." Michonne said changing position to sitting next to Rick.

"Why not? I want to know what you think about it."

Michonne took a moment to gather her thoughts on that matter. She had thought about Rick's relationship with Jessie a lot.

"It seemed that your affections were misplaced. Jessie wasn't ready for a man like you."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Would it have been my place to tell you that?

He couldn't answer, because looking back, he wasn't even sure what he was doing.

"So anything you tried to start was already doomed to fail. How did it feel to you?"

"Awkward, but I thought that the kind of life she had was what I wanted. You wanted to come here, so I was trying to make it work. Why didn't you want to answer?"

"Because that was around the time I started having feelings for you. I stayed back as far as I could. If she was what you wanted, I wasn't going to get involved and make even a bigger mess than you were. Carl saw that and the result was costly. You need to talk to him, and make sure he's clear on the mistakes we all make sometimes."

"I sure wish I could take that back."

"You can't." Michonne said getting up from the bed. Rick sensed her coldness and stood up as well.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Michonne."

"I wish you could take that back too, but it went the way it was always meant to. I want Carl to be the best man he can be considering. I don't want him to turn into what Negan called him. He is your son and deserves at least part of what you got when you were his age. Make it happen Rick."

Rick looked at her and nodded his head.

"Don't worry about this. I plan on doing whatever it takes."

"I know you will." She said putting her arms around his waist.

"He may have those thoughts for the rest of his life, but maybe the time I spend with him now will help him to understand those thoughts, and for the first time I'm going to give him what he wants, me."


End file.
